Lazarus

The Lazarus Effect – A story of Mental Health Recovery

My mental health issues peaked around 8 months ago, despite being admitted to the psychiatric unit
multiple times, this felt like the most drastic and necessary time of all. I was incredibly suicidal,
psychotic, manic and depressed. My hallucinations were of all three classes – tactile, auditory, visual
and my classification of “psychological”.

A Few Examples

Tactile – While in bed there was this crawling sensation all over me that there were cockroaches. I
would turn on the lights and look everywhere to find these fucking disgusting insects, but to no avail
there was nothing there. These sensations would go further at the same time; I’d hear flies and see
them everywhere. These cluster fucks of my most dreaded insects would become very demanding.
The strange bit with these tactile hallucinations was, they’d disappear after maybe 10 minutes of
changing rooms.

Auditory – I’d be able to hear myself in many rooms at the same time surrounded by people and
friends, this would be very confusing and daunting, and it felt very real. The most common situation
was being at bars. I would be at a bar, yet hear myself in other bars in different universes. After a
while of being withdrawn and not sociable, sometimes I’d slip out of this state and come to the
realisation of where I was. In other situations it’d take all night or along to the next day of confusion.
Visual – There was a lady I’d see in my room with black hair, a white gown and a knife coated in
blood. I’d see her morphing through the wall until she was in my room, due to this I was incredibly
scared of mirrors and knifes. I had the belief she was a demon out to kill me and it’d only be a matter
of time until it’d happen. Another hallucination I had it was similar but more of a mind-fuck. I saw
my dad in my room with a knife in his hands and a slit wrist.

Psychological – During these times of hearing myself elsewhere with friends, I believed I was in
multiple parallel universes. Existing in these planes took a toll on me and I developed this ideology
and this fascination that I “MUST” separate these realities. I was adamant I’d need to jump in front
of a car, be put in a coma-like state, transcend and find out which reality was TRUE. I would
withdraw when I was out with friends as I didn’t know which reality was real.
General – The consensus with psychosis is that reality is blurred, the result is a false belief in many
facets: Feeling things that aren’t there, Hearing things that aren’t there, seeing things that aren’t real
and disordered thinking which when psychotic creates an existence of confusion.

Medication before Delmont
The medication I was on before my admission was:
Olanzapine – Antipsychotic medication
Seroquel – Antipsychotic medication Lamotrigine – Mood stabiliser
Lithium – Mood stabiliser Temazepam – Anxiolytic
Valium – Anxiolytic Suboxone – Opiate cessation drug
A Week before Delmont

During the last week before Delmont, my situation became more and more urgent. I believed people
were out to kill me, including my dad. One night my dad and I were going for a walk, he seemed like
he was high. I believed he poisoned my dinner prior. I took a knife to bed with me and hid it under
the pillow. I didn’t die in my sleep so I was sure my dad would try killing me in the morning. Once he
came in the morning I put my hand under the pillow holding the knife. My dad was asking me if I was
coming into work, and I absolutely freaked. I didn’t pull out the knife because I wasn’t sure of my
reality. I didn’t know which situation in my head was real: was I in a reality where I’m going to work,
or where my dad is going to try killing me. Now that sounds incredibly paranoid, this is the nature of
schizophrenia. The delusions are so strong it takes over your reality and replaces it with improbable
situations.

I also had particular patterns I needed to follow. If I wanted to go for a walk to the service station
which is 50 metres away, I must walk in a perfect manner on the right footpath. If I stepped off the
right footpath someone would track me down and murder me. The two of these examples share a
common factor, I was going to die. This will follow through into my stay in Delmont.
This delusion was existent for a while. I had a belief I was a martyr, the situation was: If I didn’t kill
myself by 2020 everyone would be in pain, there would be no happiness left in the world as the
excruciating pain would engulf everyone and cripple them. The thought of suicide didn’t scare me, I
had a plug for heroin and I had benzodiazepines. My death would be painless through unconscious
respiratory failure. The benzodiazepines would inhibit myself from anxiety, and the conjunction of
heroin and benzodiazepines would kill me slowly in an unconscious state. In this situation I wouldn’t
become known for being a martyr, but I would save the world.
Delmont Prior to Medication Changes

During the first few nights the delusions were very similar to above. I had some which warped and
changed due to the new environment. The first two nights I didn’t sleep, I was writing on the
whiteboard in the common room. These pieces were related to the martyr delusion with a bit of a
twist. I believed in the matrix and the nurses were a part of the system while the patients were
“glitches” much like me. How this worked was anyone with mental health had insight into the
system compared to these “numbers” which were there to keep us from finding out the truth and
breaking it.

I wasn’t allowed to attend meetings due to my delusions and how it could trigger people. The
delusion advanced further, the geriatrics that was out in the smokers seemed to have limited
function. They seemed to only have the function of smoking cigarettes – inhaling and releasing.
These people were believed to be the result of medication and degradation due to the system. They
became so slow they were limited to the functions stated above.

They were the result of the system and the deterioration. While I was in the smoker’s court I would
tell everyone these beliefs as I was trying to save them. Some became increasingly more worried; a
group of people had taken me in and were helping. They would consistently tell me to speak to
nurses, in my mind these were numbers in the system stopping me from find out this ‘secret’ so I
never spoke to the nurses.

Medication Changes

The first two weeks of my stay involved medication the nurses would give me Seroquel, Valium,
Olanzapine and Temazepam. These were put in place to relax me and keep the delusions from
manifesting. The plan of my stay was to be put on clozapine which is a last resort antipsychotic
medication. This medication is designed to stop psychosis, anxiety and also mood disorder. Perfect.
The first 14 days involved daily blood tests, sometimes multiple times a day. The nurse would wake
me up at 7am and take bloods while I was still half asleep. Once bloods had come through I was
given the go ahead for clozapine as I was healthy.

Once starting clozapine it was necessary for me to have heart monitor taken every 15 minutes for
the first two hours of being administered. The next step was once every 30 minutes for the next
hour. Then once every 2 hours for the rest of the day.

At this point my dose of clozapine was being titrated up during the course of my stay. I would still
have monitors taken and blood tests taken every couple of days, but it was nowhere near as draining
as the first two weeks of my stay along with the first day of taking clozapine.
The effective dose for someone with schizophrenia is around 300-400mg. I found it became effective
for me about a week in to taking the medication, which was a dose of 100mg although this was
being taken alongside Olanzapine.

I was cross tapered between these two medications until I was on 250mg clozapine, which at this
point I was off the olanzapine. The effects of clozapine were much more prevalent; it was much
more effective but also came alongside negative side effects. Wetting the bed is an extremely
common side effect of clozapine during early stages. I also had constipation, dizziness and extreme
fatigue after taking the medication, much more evident than on previous antipsychotics. I was then
having blood tests every week for the last 18 weeks. These blood tests only finished two weeks ago
as posting this piece.

The Clozapine completely ceased the psychosis, mania, anxiety and sleeping issues. I was sleeping by
10:30pm every night, waking up relative to time of sleep instead of not sleeping until 3am. The only
issue I still faced, and a relatively large one was depression. I was incredibly suicidal despite the
progress. I had no self-worth and ambition.

I had fortnightly visits with the psychiatrist and expressed my depressive symptoms. The psychiatrist
told me that I wouldn’t be able to go on to antidepressants until I have a consistent record. A month
later after psychiatrist appointments, he decided that it was time to try Pristiq.
Since being on Pristiq my mental health has improved even further. I’ve started being much more
proactive with myself and my self-worth is now reasonable, I’m no longer suicidal and I have much
more energy.