Martyr of 2019
During the peak of my psychosis during early 2019 I developed a severe delusion in which I believed
if I wasn’t to kill myself by 2020 the whole world would be in deep intense pain, a more allencompassing pain which included endless physical and mental torture. This was ingrained in my
head for the first 4 months of the year and I set out to kill myself during November 2019. I was
placed inside a psychiatric ward and found myself talking to everyone about martyrdom and also
regarding geriatrics, medication and the “system”.
I was convinced about the martyrdom but also had some theories regarding medication and the
mental health system. I believed that we were wired differently and they want us to take medication
so we can’t work out what’s happening, which is difficult to put into words. I believed in “glitches”
and “programs”, a glitch was someone with a psychotic illness who can take down the system and a
program was someone in the system trying to shut down the glitches. I could never completely work
out how all of this works but I thought there were many factors including cars, numbers, the pitch in
which people talked and even the formation of sentences.
Now obviously being disturbing for the other patients at the hospital, I was not allowed to join group
therapy, which just made me focus on what was happening further. I started to believe in a
conspiracy regarding the geriatrics in the hospital which involved medication and subduing the
ability to see past the glitches. Inside the smokers area of the hospital there were two older ladies
who seemed to be in the geriatric unit, all they would do is sit there and smoke a cigarette,
incredibly slowly and seemed void of anything natural or thought process.
This made me believe that through therapy and mainly medication, the aim for the system was to
subdue these thoughts which could take down the conspiracy and wither us into a person who only
knows how to draw a cigarette, void of anything else.
