I can’t think clearly – A very lightly edited and raw piece
The thought process my mind goes through is very unclear and indecisive. When asked questions, I
can’t answer otherwise voices return or I get influenced and have to stop. There’s something about
psychosis that leans towards alternate meanings. Something absolutely minor can be obscure.
Something like thinking about walking down the road turns into an obsession about people following
me or going to kill me.
I can’t walk down the road without an alternate, obscure and terrifying thought influencing my
perception of reality, anything that involves questioning or thinking turns into a bout of confusion.
Even dinner turns into an impossible decision.
Voices control me and hallucinations are present. I haven’t been near a mirror past 6pm in the last
month or so. When I go into a room with a mirror later on in the day, I often see the lady’s face in
the mirror rather than mine. The auditory hallucinations also came back. I hear a static sound which I
think is cameras. These cameras have been planted around the house and monitor me on a daily
basis. I believe these cameras are monitoring me based on going back to the psychiatric ward so the
system can control me.
The medication I’m on has to be the factor that stops me from thinking. Once I’m a free thinker I’m
detrimental to the system. Yet at the same time these must be delusions. I’ve been through this
before with brief moments of clarity.
The medication I’m on is supposed to be the most effective in schizophrenics. These medications are
supposed to make these statements above much more rational and less “delusional”. I’ve found
success in sleep comparative to before, yet it’s tiring me out and blinding me from the reality I had
before.
I’m completely terrified of people in certain areas. I’d hate to run into kids from my school or my ex’s
or more important their boyfriends. Due to this I’m going to buy a knife or knuckle dusters. These
would make me feel much safer.
I was walking past a swap and sell store and saw knuckle dusters through the window. There’s
something about knifes which makes me stray away. While I was abusing LSD I decided to take a
heroic dose. I took 600ug of LSD (average dose being 75ug) and smoked a joint. I hallucinated while
tripping that I was being sliced open in my neck with a knife, since then I can’t hold a knife properly.
Another reason which is making me stray away from knifes is that they are permanent. Despite
breaking a jaw with knuckle dusters, stabbing someone has far more potential to kill or permanently
injure.
Anyway, my mind is completely muddled and it probably comes obvious with this piece of writing.
My thinking is obscure and my conclusions are even more obscure. Making my own decisions comes
along with too much cognitive function, and when these processes happen I often start becoming
psychotic.
I often say to people who are asking me a question “stop, I can’t think, I can’t think” and I’m pretty
sure that sums up.
