Trapped In My Own Mind – A very lightly edit and raw piece
What it feels like to have psychosis or schizophrenia. The initial sense is a feeling of dissociation and
numbing. Your vision might become blurred. Thought processes become jumbled and it’s difficult to
put everything together.
The voices impact your train of thought and everything becomes mixed and difficult to articulate.
The voices then turn your rational thoughts astray from reality.
Something clicks in your brain and any real stimuli are dominated by delusional or hallucinations, an
example I have is while with my ex and the multiple car drives where this occurred many times.
Cars around me become my fixation; number plates on cars would add up and become a delusion,
where cars were following me depending on the colour and number plate, a black car would relate
to federal people following me, or a white car would be surveillance. Whilst experiencing these
hallucinations and delusions I wouldn’t speak until my brain came back to reality.
Auditory hallucinations were much the same in that it would be hard to decipher between my
friends talking right in front of me or the hallucinations which seemed all so real.
Gradually the hallucinations or delusions developed to be much worse. They became my whole life
and you’re equally or more invested in this ‘world’ more than reality. This is what makes psychosis
so dangerous to the person and occasionally to others.
Auditory hallucinations were much the same in that it would be hard to decipher between my
friends talking right in front of me or the hallucinations which seemed all so real.
Gradually the hallucinations or delusions develop to be much worse. They become your life and
you’re mental state is invested in these issues; whatever you think or say has been impacted by
these processes.
There’s a sense of feeling trapped in your mind where you’re oblivious to what is happening around
you because you’re so invested in this separate reality. Words I’ve always used to explain these
features is being trapped and confused.
Without heavy medication people are in this state for months or years on end, living in a separate
reality from which we all know so well, as if you can’t speak the language around you.
