When its “too much” – Very lightly edited and raw piece
It seems to happen less these days when it’s just too much, yet used to happen so much more
frequently in the recent past. There was this intense feeling where everything became increasingly
more overwhelming to the point of isolation and necessary silence. This necessity of quietness was
due to the auditory distortion and loudness. There was this state where any question asked was
much more thought provoking and would often become deluded or not answerable, something as
simple as “what would you like for dinner” would turn into this muddled thought process of
confusion and impossibility and conveying my answer was alike.
The necessity for quiet was also a double-edged blade in which voices would arise and the
questioning inside my brain would snowball, one question would turn into four then increasingly
potentiate into a delusional pattern of thinking. Even if there was complete quiet, although not
many voices, this would feel as if I was in a room full of people talking, yet not always questioning, I
am so glad it doesn’t happen like this as frequently anymore. This is why I always listen to music to
help these voices slow down as I’d be concentrating on my music, a form of mindfulness.
This still happens, just differently. Although I am not hearing voices, I still get into a state where a
simple question becomes impossible to answer and conveying the answer is a problem in itself
where words simply do not come to me. Now that I’m living alone there’s not as many questions
being asked or actions being demanded, but it’s now manifested into household chores
overwhelming me and sometimes the house’s cleanliness will go down. I feel as if no matter the
situation, this feeling will always find another way to impact me.
I understand that most people feel a variation of this and we all find a way to cope in one way or
another. This is just how it impacts me, and I haven’t worked out a way to completely cope with this
feeling and I don’t believe it’s a situation that needs medication.
