Screaming In My Head – A very lightly edited and raw piece.
I used to have auditory hallucinations of friends and family talking at events. I’d experience these hallucinations whilst doing anything, I was so convinced in these separate realities that I couldn’t distinguish between reality and these alternate universes.
Convinced these conversations with family and friends were real led me to develop specific delusions to these hallucinations. I thoroughly believed I needed to put myself into a coma or to die to solve the problem of which reality was real.
These delusions led me to believe I needed to jump in front of a car in order to be put into a coma or die, just to solve the problem of which reality was real. These hallucinations would often be situated in a bar, with a very typical conversation with my friends, yet these hallucinations would occur in multiple separate realities in my head.
In one universe I’m experience I’m in bed trying to sleep, in another I’m at a bar with my friends, in another I’m at a family function. They were so realistic that I could distinguish who was talking, what they were talking about and where we were.
The thing about hallucinations, but more specifically auditory, is they are so real, and they develop into delusions, often presenting themselves into other existing delusions. I had a delusion which is referred to as Cotard’s delusion which is the belief that you’re dead. My form of Cotard’s delusion resulted in me believing I was dead, and I was living out my life as it would’ve been. Cotard’s delusion led me to believe that I was dead in multiple of these separate universes, and I needed to work out where I was alive.
The interaction between delusions and hallucination is what makes schizophrenia so volatile. People are so unaware of what schizophrenia is that they believe it involves violence, yet this is far from the truth, far often schizophrenia is dangerous for the individual than not, the same as any other mental illness.
Now where this relates to the current day; due to my medication I don’t experience the same auditory hallucinations. Rarely do I experience distinguishable voices and language, instead I experience this screaming in my head. Unlike the auditory hallucinations explained above, they aren’t “proper” voices, they aren’t experienced either outside or inside of my head. It’s this strange silence, yet at the same time an intense scream.
This screaming stops my ability to think, it’s as if you’re in an intense argument which is all encompassing around your ears. You want to escape the screaming and anger but in this situation you can’t, it doesn’t leave your head. You can’t escape it without taking my more medication, drinking alcohol, or taking drugs.
Due to the amount of medication I’m on, I resist taking more medication. I’m currently on Clozapine, Lithium, Lamotrigine, Pristiq, Endep, Temazepam and Diazepam. I refuse to take more medication, yet my coping mechanism is quite poor. I used to drink away the screaming and my thoughts and due to my liver function failing, I now take suboxone, temazepam or olanzapine to solve the incessant screaming in my head.
Without the constant drinking of alcohol my mental health, although physically better, is failing. The olanzapine and temazepam do nothing. So instead, I’ve re-prescribed myself suboxone, a drug in the opiate class, a drug which makes me void of all thought processes. A drug which leaves me feeling warm, calm and at ease.
Suboxone isn’t a drug without faults, it’s a drug with many faults. Designed for opiate addiction it has a half-life which lasts a day and is complicated to say the least to cease use. Many people refer to suboxone as shackles, you’re stuck on the medication or fight the withdrawals and addiction.
The medication and suboxone are therefore my weapon against my head, a weapon that clears my head from screaming and intense thoughts. The fact that I’m already on the maximum doses of my medications leaves me wondering whether I will experience this screaming for the rest of my life. This crippling screaming which subdues my ability to function in a normal manner. The crippling scream which forces me to take further medication to stop my mind from faulting, stops my mind from spinning and leaving me psychotic.
